rolled together: Christmas, struggling, hope. Other.

I have two blog posts rolling around in my brain, and because I suddenly realized they’re related, I’m going to roll them together.

1. I have a kid now and would really love a peaceful, happy, music-filled, joyous waldorffy holiday, on the social side for my own and my kid’s social needs.

2. I am having a terribly gimpy month and am struggling with social and physical stuff this month.

(interruption: was drinking stale, cold coffee from a mug that I was holding on my chest, left pinky got stuck in a way it’s doing lately that’s probably not trigger finger because it’s behaving differently, but uncomfortable and weird, and I responded by shaking my hand … and body, and dumping coffee on my chest (I don’t  rarely drink scalding coffee on my chest) and shoving my laptop out of the way to keep it dry and fussing and changing my shirt. damn)

So anyway, I’ve gone back on prednisone which is usually totally okay but this time is messing with my brain in a jittery, antsy way. And parts hurt. From flare to flare or even wave to wave within a flare, parts hurt differently. So right now, I’ve got this weird pinky stockage and pain, and other hand pain, and weird foot pain, besides that it feels like I walk on marbles. And I’m a percocet space cadet. So there’s a lot I can’t do, or do well, or do easily or comfortably right now. And I’m happy, this is only a little bit fussy, it’s mostly an explanation for the first part.

Which is 1: I am struggling to do any social anything at all. I’ve managed one event I hadn’t planned on, last minute, and that was a physical struggle. I canceled on another today. Next weekend’s? We’ll see. I want to bring Owen to see Santa at the firehouse. But I have no idea what else I’ll manage. I want to be more social and out-and-about Christmassy but I won’t have anything left by Dec. 24 if I try too hard.

and 2. some of it is outside of my control, or outside of what I’ve managed to make my life be lately, or ever.

We don’t have the waldorffy feel around here, and I mostly use that as a euphemism for a tidy, calm, naturey home. This is largely because we’re untidy, we have things in stacks and containers and … it’s just not earthy. At all.

And Owen’s actually Not That Kid, he likes engines and noise and though he can sit down calmly and play, wool-felt forest sprites lose out to his (recycled plastic) fire engine every time.

And it’s a hard Christmas anyhow. We had a death close in the family, a sudden and surprising and dramatic and very tragic death, closer to some of us than others but sad for all of us, and we’re recovering, but a lot of family stuff is sort of shifting and unsure this year, in both nuclear and extended settings. I feel unsteady on my feet about where to go. It’s a weird one.

And at the same time, Owen is really in the magic of it for the first time, incredible wonder about Santa Claus and his first real sharing of carols and joy of the lights. I want to GET INTO IT and I am struggling with it because I am limited and the rest of the family either cares less about the aspects I care about or is so knocked around by family sadness that they have their own limitations and struggles.

People say, “At least we have Owen,” this year, so I want to keep it magical for Owen so that he can share that magic with the people who have less right now.. I hope that makes sense.

But I’m tired, and my pinky keeps sticking. So today is not the day for making of grand plans about happy nature Christmas for my kid.

Christmas trees

(This was going to lead into another topic: Church. For us. But that’s for later.)

(IRRELEVANT:
I wonder if I can make this a sticky for the bottoms of posts: 1. There might be an ad after this. I don’t pay for wordpress. If I ever decide to, there won’t be an ad. Sorry. Also 2. There might be affiliate links. In fact, let’s say there are, in case Amazon decides I can’t forget to say there are. But there might not be, or they might be to someplace not amazon. But probably not. If you shop there through me, I might (or do, or probably, but might not) get some sort of bonus. If you want to help me get Owen new books, great, shop via the links. Either way is good.)

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3 thoughts on “rolled together: Christmas, struggling, hope. Other.

  1. Listening here too. Thinking of you & yours.

    And you aren’t alone!! My limitations aren’t physical, but mental. I get overwhelmed very easily with crippling stress & anxiety, but am still trying to make the holidays special for my two. We’ve seen Santa & family (because it’s so much cheaper/easier for them to travel when it’s NOT Christmas week)..and maybe we’ll go see some lights & make cookies…but you know, somehow I think the kids will still enjoy it even if we don’t do much. I am sure Owen will as well.

    (SIDE NOTE: I had never even heard of Waldorf before your link, so we are obviously not that family either, ha!)

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